Breaking the Habit
by CurveOfAWrist
Summary: It's a one shot songfic. Rogue did something she'd been fearing she'd do; something subtle, yet she had still feared. Now that she's done it, she wants to run away. She's at the train station, ready to leave, contemplating what she should do or where she


Breaking the Habit

**Disclaimer: Own nothing. Not the song, not the show, not the characters. **

**Summary: One shot, nothing too special. I just heard the song one day and fell in love with it and just got this idea stuck in my head and had to write it. **

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Rogue stood at the train station, her trench coat pulled tightly around her against the chill New York air. She clutched her bag so tightly that her knuckles were white under her black gloves. Her eyes were brimmed with tears that weren't going to fall. She wasn't going to let them.

Memories consume  
Like opening the wound

It hadn't been enough that her own mother had betrayed her over and over again; now she had been betrayed by herself.  Why had she done it? Why had she ever done it? Why had she been the way she was? Why had she done the things she'd done? Why couldn't she have just accepted them and allowed them to accept her? Why had she been so difficult?

She turned to the metal, circular pole beside her and punched it. Her fist stung, but she ignored it. Several people looked at her weird and she glared rudely at them. Why was she doing it?

_I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again_  
  


**Why didn' Ah just stay in mah room? Ah thought the idea was stupid anyway. Why didn' Ah just stay there?! Ah'm safe there… normally. **Rogue thought to herself angrily. She had thought the idea stupid from the beginning. Why had Jean had to think of such a thing? Sessions to talk between the X-men? A counseling session? It had been crazy, and Rogue knew it was somewhat singled out for her. She was cold to everyone, she was mean, she was rude, and just wanted to be left alone. Look where it had gotten her now; look where the counseling session had gotten her. Now she was no longer in the safety of her room, now she was running away. Perhaps she could find somewhere else; perhaps she could forget her old self and start anew. 

  
_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
  
_

She was tired of all the fighting. The Brother Hood, Magneto, the other kids for the bathroom, for anything… didn't matter. She was tired of it and it seemed to be made for her, or her for it. She didn't want it anymore, she wanted it to end. Perhaps if she ran away from the X-men, from the Brotherhood, from the Acolytes, it'd be running away from fighting too. She didn't like the thought of running away at all, but she was good at that. Just like she was good at fighting, she was good at running.

With that thought in mind, Rogue's head dropped. She wasn't escaping the fights, just like she wasn't escaping the run. Both would be with her as long as she lived, both would follow her. It didn't matter what she hoped, what she wanted; it would always be there. The question was under what conditions, on what sides? Though an even bigger question was if she got to choose those conditions, those sides. Sure didn't seem like it… not at all. 

_'cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused_

Rogue shook her head and forced it up again. So many questions, so many doubts. Did she have a say in her destiny? She didn't even know what was wrong with her, didn't even know why she was who she was, but somehow she had turned out this way. She didn't know what the X-men thought of her; it couldn't be very good, especially after what had happened earlier that night at the 'session.' They had put the spot light on her, tried to help her. Didn't they see that she didn't want that kind of attention? Didn't they understand that under that kind of pressure she'd say some things that she didn't mean, a lot of things that she _really _didn't mean to say? Even if they were the truth. _  
_  
_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream_

She felt like screaming as she remembered what had happened. Jean had turned the discussion onto her. She had been caught like a deer in headlights. She started trying to 'help' and the others had followed. They tried to get her to talk about things; her mother, her past, her fears. She had blown up then. At Jean first. Said some things she hadn't meant to. Scott tried defending her immediately. Faithful Scott, he hadn't been ready for the rogue to retaliate so. Who ever said words couldn't hurt? Especially when those words could be things that were dug up from the furthest recesses of their minds. Kurt and Kitty had been silent; everyone had been silent after she had blown up at Scott. 

Why had she fought? If she hadn't wanted to talk about it, couldn't she have at least just kept her mouth shut? 

I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean

_*Flahsback*_

"Ah don't know what ya're doin' tryin' t'get _me _t'open up! Ya're the one pretendin' ya know everything and that you're all strong and powerful, while every night you lay an' wonder if ya're doing it right, if ya're bein' right. Ya don't even know! Ya act so confident when ya're so doubtful! It's a facade! A facade ya're afraid o' showin'! Can ya really fault meh fo' wearin' one too? No! Ya're scared Scott! Just lihke the rest o' us! Ya're scared o' the world, ya're scared o' loosin' the X-men, and even mo' Jean! Ya'd give up any one o' our lives for hers!"

"That's not true." 

"It is! Ah know! Ah know better then Scott does, because he doesn't understand his own mihnd. Ya know what, it's easier ta read somethin' that's half hidden ta someone else. Ya'd give up everythin' for her. An' yet ya're scared o' loosin' her. Ya're scared of everythin'! From a mutant holocost ta the polish on ya're car! Ya cry yarself t'sleep with worry!"

_*End of Flashback*_

  
_I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright_

Rogue clenched her eyes shut as her tears began to surge foreword. She fought the urge to cry with all her might. 

**Why did Ah do it? Ah nevah meant t'tell anyone. No one should know tha things Ah know, no one! Yet Ah did… Ah do, and Ah shared. Ah shouldn't have but Ah did. Why?! **Her head dropped again and she stared at the floor. What she had done was wrong. She had gone far before; being rude, glaring, and just being down right cold; but this had been far worse. Very rarely had she used their minds as a tool against them. She had, she had finally done it. She had always feared she would do it. She had known that perhaps if she had been a bit nicer, she might have been able to prevent it, but she hadn't heeded those thoughts. Why? Why hadn't she? She had known she should have, but she hadn't.

  
_So I'm  
Breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

Rogue shook her head. No, she needed to start anew. That's what she was going to try to do. No more using minds against people, no more being cold. It never got her anywhere. She had hurt Kurt too; her brother, her only real family! She had hurt him when he had finally gotten the courage to say something. 

_*Flashback*_

"Rogue." He said in a hoarse whisper. "Zat… zat vasn't right."

Her head snapped around to look at him. "Right? Right? What is right Kurt? Ya'll puttin' me on the spot? Ya'll thinkin' ya can help meh? Well excuse me, let's put you on the spot, let's let you see what it's lihke! Ya act so funny and happy all tha tihme yet ya're always sad. Jus' like everyone else ya wear a facade! One o' happiness and cheerfulness and kihndness. It is nihce t'have around, but it'd be even bettah if it was genuine. Tha others can't see it, but Ah can. I know ya inside an' out Kurt! Ya hate what ya are. Mystique's son, blue and fuzzy; three fingers. Get ovah it! We all love ya here. How does that sound t'ya? Hmmm? Do ya think ya can jus' get ovah it? No, Ah didn't think so. It's not that easy. Ya don't even know who ya are behind that crazy blue elf. Ya know it too, it terrifyes you. Ya fear that the thing beneath it is Mystique. Ya fear that the creature behind the fun and games is the tru son o' that terrorist!"

_*End of Flashback*_  
  
_Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again_

_*Flashback* _

She locked the door and put her back to it. Slowly she slid to the floor clutching at her heart. Tears streamed down her face and her breathing was irregular. She had just run down the hall to her room. No one had stopped her; no one had said anything as she fled. They were all hurt and startled and dismayed. She had finally done it, finally hurt them, and she seemed to hurt now worse then all of them. No, she knew she didn't, but she hurt, she hurt real bad. She hurt as much as they did, for as she named off their darkest secret, she had just lived one of her darkest fears.

Her body gave a violent shudder and it was then that she knew she couldn't stay. She couldn't apologize, she had spoken the truth and they all knew it. If she didn't apologize though, she couldn't live with them. That meant she had to leave. At the moment she was sure she wanted to, but knew later she'd doubt it. It didn't matter though, there was no choice left. She had to go.

She jumped to her feet and pulled out a bag. She threw into it very little supplies. She didn't care what at the moment; she just wanted to be rid of the place. She snatched out all her money and shoved it in her trench pocket.

After putting her trench coat on and holding onto the bag tightly she unlocked the door and walked out to see Kitty. She had been heading for her room, hopefully not to have a 'chat'. No one wanted to talk to her now though, they couldn't. Kitty's eyes merely looked from the bag back to Rogue. She said nothing though, just stood there.

Rogue turned and walked down the hall. Scott was by his doorframe and he looked at her with a blank expression as she walked past. Kurt was by the stairs, but he merely watched her go as well. He watched her go with a hurt expression. Weather hurt because of what she had said or that she was leaving she didn't know, and didn't care.

As she descended the stairs she saw Ororo. So the teachers had been told of her outburst…

Jean stood at the bottom next to the professor. They both looked at her, but neither spoke. Logan was close by and he took one look at the bag and made to walk toward her. The professor shook his head though and Rogue knew that he had told Logan, in his mind, not to bother. 

Rogue kept her eyes on the door and walked out into the windy outside. She closed the door, but didn't keep walking. Instead she leaned against it as if she couldn't walk another step at the moment.

"I agreed to allow you an unsupervised session and this happens?" She heard the professor's voice. Rogue could just picture him shaking his head on the other side.

"You should have let me stop her." Logan said.

"No, we have to let her go." Xavier replied quietly.

**So that Ah don't hurt anyone else.**

_*End of Flashback*_  
  
_I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
  
_

_*Flashback*_

"Rogue stop!" Kitty screeched after Rogue had told Kurt that he was afraid of being like Mystique. "Stop it!" Her voice trembled and so did her hands. Rogue knew it wasn't really for Scott or Kurt, but rather for herself. She knew what was coming now. She hadn't said anything, knowing that if she turned Rogue's attention to herself then her mind would be revealed. Rogue understood that with a pang of hurt but her anger quickly consumed it. Kitty had sacrificed herself for Kurt, as Kurt had done for Scott.

"Perfect Kitty." Rogue said quietly. Kitty blinked.

"What?"

"Perfect Kitty. Are ya so ashamed ta be a mutant?" Kitty looked even more confused. "Walkin' through walls bad enough? Ya're so smart, incredably smart. Ya're so smart that it scares ya. Ya fake bad grades sometimes jus' t'make yarself feel normal. Ya act like a ditz, jus' ta' make yarself feel normal. News flash Kitty! Ya're not normal! Ya never will be! Never again. Even if ya're intelligance is a part o' your mutation as ya fear o' not, ya're not gonna be normal! There's no way! Ya're not goin' ta have very many normal friends, ya're not goin' ta have a very normal life! Fo' one so intelligant ya sure are dumb sometimes. Out on tha field we could use that mind. Ya think of great stagegics an' yet ya tell no one thinkin' that they'll catch on. Grow up Kit! It's tihme ta grow up! Ya're not a kid! Start usin' ya're head, ya've got a good one." By now, Kitty's face had lost all color and her lips were pressed together so tightly they too were loosing color. 

_*End of Flashback*_

Rogue took a deep breath. More fighting, that's what she had done. She had fought with her own teammates. Just went to show that no matter what she did, who she was with, or what she wanted, the fight would always choose her. 

  
_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
  
_

Why had she done it? How many times had she asked herself this? She had done it to defend herself, to take their minds off of her. Instead she had released herself, released everything she'd been hiding. She'd been hiding like Mystique. Kurt was afraid of being like Mystique. Fact was, he was anything but her. Fact was, Rogue was more like her then Kurt would ever be. 

_*Flashback*_

Kitty sat with her hands tightly folded in her lap, and the whole room went silent. Rogue looked expectantly at Jean. "Calm Jean." Jean winced.

"Rogue, you don't have to do this. You've analyzed everyone now, but I know it doesn't make you feel any better. Rogue! It's hurting you! Please, all we wanted to do was help you. Yeah, we've got some issues, unlike you, we didn't know the others did too-"

"An' how could ya have expected meh ta open up ta you if you weren't willin' ta us. Ya somehow special? Huh?" She asked, but addressed everyone. "Ya'll got t'gether ta try and get meh ta open up ta ya'll when ya'll had things ya needed to open up about yarself. It's hypocritical!" Her eyes then narrowed on Jean. "An' now ya' twist the conversation. Ya're a good girl at heart, but ya can be a coward sometimes."

"None of us want our secrets told Rogue, none of us willingly let you."

"You do Jean. Ya want everyone an' nobody ta know ya're problems. Ya don't want ta burden others yet ya're dyin' ta get it off ya're chest. Ya feel so deeply fo' the other students it hurts ya. Ya have ta work jus' ta fihnd room fo' yarself and when ya do ya worry about a normal life. That's what ya want, that's what ya dream of, that's what ya're gonna fight for. Jus' lihke Ah told Kitty though, ya ain't gonna get a normal life. It amazes me how well ya hide that from yarself. Even tha fact that others aren't gonna have a normal life." Rogue laughed. "Ya try ta convince yarself that even Ah can have a normal life. It ain't happenin' Jean, it just ain't. Ya have ta stop killin' yarself over others, ya have ta think about yaself a little more. Ya know what though, ya aren't, ya can't. Ya've forgotten how!" Jean looked nearly to tears. "Ya want ta release ya're burdens so that ya can worry about others. It gets annoyin' Jean! Look what it brought about. It-" She choked. It had done this to her. 

Rogue shook her head and clutched at her seat. She suddenly couldn't breathe as she realized what she had done. She looked around at everyone. They looked aghast. Horribly and overwhelmingly aghast. "It did this." She muttered, her eyes stinging with tears. "It made things worse. What Ah said… it wasn't suppose ta be said. It was said, because ya couldn't worry about yarself. Ya're to afraid ta worry about yarself."

That's when she violently pushed herself up from her seat and fled. No one made a move, nor a sound, to stop her.

_*End of Flashback*_

_So I'm  
Breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight_

It had to end. She had to stop hurting people. She had to stop being rude and cold, and no matter what kind of pain it brought her, she couldn't release any more secrets. All those things had been building up in her and finally, tonight, they had come out. Jean wanted to get Rogue to open up, sadly, that was her opening up. She had been building up so much with everyone else's pain that hers was a mear shadow. Now that she had released it all, shouldn't she feel better? She didn't. It was all going to change now. _She _had to change._  
_  
_I'll paint it on the walls  
'cause I'm the one at fault_  
  


Rogue punched the column again and it dented. It was her fault, everything had been. She had been cold, cruel, and discreet. If she had been nice maybe she could have handled it more nicely. Perhaps she could have held back completely, perhaps the session wouldn't have happened at all. It was her fault and she knew it. If anyone asked her now she wouldn't deny it. It was her fault, and she had to live with it. It didn't matter if she could or not, she'd have to.

_I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends_

She never wanted to fight again. It didn't matter to her what kind of fighting, she wanted it to stop. She knew though, that if the fighting stopped for her, so would she herself stop. Fighting would follow her wherever she went. There was no escaping it. She wanted it to end though, she wanted it all to end. She had thought so many times of taking her life. It would be finally giving up, it would be no longer fighting. 

The train was coming. She couldn't help but think that if she just threw herself in front of it then it would all be over. The fighting would be over. It would all just… be over, it'd be the end.

She neared the tracks. The sound of the pounding rain grew harder and fiercer in her ears, almost as if it was warning her. It was telling her to fight. She didn't want to fight; she wanted to give up. 

She stepped closer toward the edge of the platform. It'd be so easy. One jump and it'll all be over. Her eyes closed and her body swayed._  
_  
_I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean_

She let out a frustrated scream and her eyes snapped open. People moved away from her and stared. She didn't glare at them but rather whirled around. She'd never be done fighting till a fight killed her. She knew that, she'd have to live with that. More importantly, she had to live. She had some things to clear up. She had made a mess and she had to fight to get it back in order. Yes, she had to fight some more. She had to prove to them that she wasn't so bad though, that she was just as messed up as they. They thought they understood that, but they didn't. They thought of her as the crazy messed up. She wasn't crazy. Sometimes the minds drove her to insanity, but she wasn't crazy. She was just like them… almost. 

Ignoring the looks she began to run. She tossed her suitcase aside. It didn't hold much, just some extra clothes and make-up. Her money was in her pocket. She hardly thought of these things as she ran though; the rain beating down on her. Now she had to fight the wind and the rain. 

They didn't stand a chance.

  
_I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit _

She burst into the mansion, soaking wet. Many heads turned to her. The new recruits, the teachers, and the X-men. Her heart was already beating a mile a minute but when she saw the people she had hurt and their somber expressions it sped even more. 

She looked past them; she couldn't bare them at the moment. Her eyes locked on to the only person who she had always felt cared besides Kurt. 

"Logan." She muttered, so quietly he was probably the only one who heard. It had been a plea and had a sound of despair. He took a step toward her and she lunged forward falling into his broad arms. He gripped her tightly then and was the only thing keeping her from lying sprawled on the floor.

Tears fell freely now, soaking Logan's shirt that was already damp from her wet clothes and hair. "Ah'm sorry, Ah'm so sorry." She muttered into his chest. She wasn't speaking to him though, she was speaking to the four students who stood, almost stunned, a couple feet away.

No words were spoken then. All that could be heard was the fierce drumming of the rain, the howling of the wind, and Rogue's sobs. Things would be different, and it was obvious already, that Rogue would be different too. 

_Tonight_

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Thank you Rogue77 for beta reading this. 

Other people who have read it… please review. I would really like to know what you think. 

THANKS!

^Crysala^


End file.
